So many things, I don’t know where to begin.
I guess I’ll start with the most pressing issue. I am going to pass out. Not sure why. I was sitting at work being a good worker bee when the feeling came over me. I figured I was working too hard and should take a break to read the newspaper. One story led to another and I started reading about rabies (which is a whole ‘nother story for a whole ‘nother day) and the I’m-going-to-pass-out feeling became worse. And I thought I should stop reading, but I didn’t. And then my boss came by my office to say bye for the day and told me I didn’t look good and I’m all like, “I know. I’m going to pass out from the rabies.” He did not comment, and I’m starting to think he is realizing I’m not quite right in the head.
I decide to leave work. I was going to organize my desk and then leave, but I figured if I feel like I’m going to pass out, it probably means I’m dying and I didn’t want my last actions on earth to be cleaning my desk. Honestly, no one on their death bed says, right before the bright light sucks them into the sky (I love you, Molly. Ditto Sam. Ghost anyone?), “I’m so glad my desk at work is clean and organized.”
I’m sitting at the traffic light pondering what brought on the I’m-going-to-pass-out feeling when I see a worker guy hacking at a concrete pole with a butter knife and the pole is crumbling. And I’m thinking are you kidding me? All it takes is a butter knife to take down a thirty food concrete pole? I mean seriously, how irresponsible road construction company or light company or whoever you are. Once people realize how easy it is to demolish a concrete pole there’ll be a run on butter knives at wal-mart and next thing you know they’ll be crumbled poles all over town. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t using a butter knife. Maybe he was using a mallet, or a mallard. Which one’s the duck? Still, duck or no duck, is that really all it takes to destroy a concrete pole? Seriously, all the guy would do was tap it against the pole and pieces of concrete crumbled to the ground. Okay, so maybe there was a big machine on the other side of the pole that was drilling in to it or shaking it or something. The point is, where was that pole going to go once they got all the way through it? It was like those guys in the forest who are sawing a tree and are standing on what they think is the opposite side its going to fall, except oops, wrong side and they get crushed. That was about to happen people! And the only good part about it was watching myself almost get crushed by a pole made me forget my I’m-going-to-pass-out feeling. So, silver lining there for sure.
The light finally changed and I was out of harms way, but I did keep looking back in my mirror as if the pole was going to come after me. On my way home I kept wondering and wondering and thinking and pondering what it was that brought on the I’m-going-to-pass-out feeling and the nausea. Did I mention there was nausea?
And then I remembered. I was, as I said before, sitting at my desk like a good worker bee, buzzzzz, and for some reason I imagined my finger breaking and my bone protruding through the skin. And there’d be all kinds of blood and did I mention the protruding bone? I kept telling myself to stop thinking about it, but I just kept picturing that bone and got more nauseous and passed out feeling. And then I imagined myself actually passing out and my face falling forward and landing on my keyboard where my finger with the protruding bone is and the bone would go through my eye…
And the bile is starting to rise in my throat again as I write this, so let’s move on to the next thing shall we?
Macs. As in computers. I was reading a post from one of my favorite bloggers ever, or as she would say, in the history of ever, and she was talking about how she recently got a Mac and was freaking out because you can’t right click, and then I started freaking out because I’ve contemplated getting a Mac for a long time, but I am a creature of habit and loathe change, but Macs are supposed to be so great for people who like to do creative stuff, and hello have you read my blog? Mac poster child right here. But seriously, no right click? It’s like someone saying you’re no longer allowed to breathe air. And your like, “but my body needs air to live.” And they, as in the people who make Macs, are like, "nope, sorry, you can’t breathe air; you have to breathe lithium.” And you’re like, “yeah, I’m pretty sure that’ll kill me.” That’s exactly what no right clicking is like. Breathing lithium. And dying.
Next thing: I’m thinking of changing the name of my blog to attract more readers. To something like I’m Going to Punch You in the Throat. And you’re like oh my gosh that’s so violent, but actually it’s the anti-violent. See, people who are googling methods of hurting other people will see I’m Going to Punch You in the Throat and click on it thinking they are going to get some great ideas for punching people in the throat. But instead they’ll find my inspiring, uplifting, feel-good stories and their whole attitude will change and instead of punching people in the throat they’ll want to hug people. Except being hugged by a stranger is way worse than being punched in the throat by a stranger, so maybe that’s not such a good idea for a name. How about the Goddess of Sarcasm or Sarcasm Goddess (because two words are always better than three. Unless those three words are I love you, then they’re all pretty important. If your boyfriend is only able to say two of them: Love you, he has commitment issues, and does not, in fact, love you. If you only say two of those words to him: I Love, he will fill in the blank with something you do not, in fact, love, you only tell him you do.) Or maybe I’ll just be the asm Goddess so that way you can insert your favorite asm before goddess and I’ll be that for you. Except the only other asm word I can think of besides sarcasm is orgasm and I like you and all, but I don’t think my husband will support me being your orgasm goddess.
Basically this day was a colossal fail. My bone protruded through my finger and I almost passed out. I found out that Macs are trying to kill me. I almost got crushed by a pole and I was unable to come up with an awesome new blog name to lure people to my blog. If I can’t lure them to my blog, how am I going to force them into becoming a follower so I have more followers and more people to pitch my book to so I can tell my publisher I have throngs of people waiting to read my book so hurry up and publish it already? By the way, I don't actually have a publisher, so if you're reading and this and you are a publisher and want to publish my book, lemme know, would ya?
Maybe I should just change the whole premise of my blog to puppies doing cute things. People love puppies.
Honestly, did anyone not see this coming?