Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Marriage Advice

You are a maze of inequity.
Mark Williams 



Tip Number Three
Be sure to have pillow talk every night before bed.

Example:

Me: Would you still be with me if you found out tomorrow that we are brother and sister?

Mark:  No.

Me: WHAT?  Why not?

Mark:  Because you'd be my sister.

Me: Only by blood.

Mark:  (says nothing, just gives me a look.)

Me:  So you'd be able to turn off your love for me, just like that?

Mark: I'd still love you, just in a completely non-sexual way.

Me: You wouldn't be sexually attracted to me any more?!

Mark: No.

Me: So if I pranced around naked in front of you, you'd feel nothing in your downstairs?

Mark:  Are we seriously having this conversation?

Me:  I can't believe you wouldn't be with me!

Mark:  As brother and sister?  That's gross.

Me:  It'd only be gross if we grew up as brother and sister.  If we just found out, it wouldn't be gross.

Mark: It would be.

Me:  You are totally hurting my feelings.

Mark:  Why are we talking about this?  It’s two in the morning  This conversation is completely ridiculous.

Me:  It's totally diculous (I don’t know the opposite of ridiculous).  We could be siblings.

Mark: I doubt it.

Me:  I don't believe you wouldn’t be with me.  You would.  I'm going to forge a DNA test that says we're related and then make out with a guy in front of you to see if it bothers you.  It would.  I know it.

Mark:  That's a good idea.  Why don't you get started on that?  Wake me when you have the DNA test.

Me: I really wish I would have known about this before the whole "for better or for worse" part of our vows.  Had I known “for in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death to us part" had the conditional: as long as we are not brother and sister, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have made that long ass trek down the aisle.

Mark: (heavy sigh)

Me: You know when I ask you questions like this, you're supposed to say, "I'd be with you no matter what," right?

Mark:  Fine.  I'd be with you if I found out you were my sister.

Me: I don't believe you.

Mark: Good night.

Me: Good night.  I love you.  In a completely sexual way even though you are my brother.

In conclusion: Two essential components of a happy marriage: pillow talk and love.  The unconditional kind.  I love Mark even though he could possibly be, and most likely is, my brother.  And he loves me even though I make him endure conversations like the one above.  We rock at this marriage thing.

1 comment:

  1. All I can say is you are married to a saint.....if I had conversations like this at bedtime, my husband would lock me up!

    ReplyDelete

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