Thursday, June 17, 2010

Excitement. There's Lots of It.

Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depth of your heart; confess to yourself you would have to die if you were forbidden to write.  
Rainer Maria Rilke



Holy.  Cow.  You guys, I am beyond excited.  I’m ecstatic.  No, elated.  No, overjoyed.  Really, there are no words.  The most amazing thing has happened.  And I totally want to tell you.  Except everything’s a little backward because I didn’t post yesterday.  I meant to.  I wrote my little story, but before I could post it I got tricked into exercising.  Running, to be more exact. And the last time that happened was never.  So you can understand why I came home and instead of posting, fell asleep standing up.  So now I can’t tell you what I want to tell you today without first telling you what I wanted to tell you yesterday.  Except that today I learned, thanks to my husband, that what I was going to post yesterday wasn’t exactly accurate, although had I posted what I wanted to post I would have known that, and then, well, I’m not really sure what I would have done.  Confused yet?  Don’t worry.  Clarity is coming.  What I’m going to do, is post below what I would have posted yesterday as if it was yesterday, and then after that I’ll provide an update, which will make everything make sense.

Oh, but I must warn you, this is exciting stuff.  If you tend to pee your pants from excitement, you may want to wear a diaper, or change into your Granny panties, or at least put a towel under you.

Yesterday’s post:

Hello Internets.  It’s been a pretty big week for For the Love of Writing.  I have received more comments in one week than I have in the history of my blog, which has totally made my day, no my week, okay my whole life.  To all of you who commented, you have my deepest appreciation.  I was so excited to see your comments, I peed myself.  But just a little.  Oh fine, a lot.

But that’s not all.  Brace yourself folks, this next one is BIG.  I have a new follower.  Internets please join me in welcoming Young boy Dan.

This means I have six followers.  Six!  I am beside myself with excitement!!  Young boy Dan came just in time because I was about to be kicked out of the blogging world.  For having less than six followers and no comments.  It’s the number one rule of blogging.  You have a certain amount of time to get comments and at least six followers or your blogging license is revoked for being a loser that no one cares about.  I kid you not.  It’s in the blogging handbook that every blogger must read before they can type even one word on their blog.

Don’t believe me?  Fine.  I will read to you directly from the blogger handbook. 

Bloggers have 5 months and fourteen and one half days to acquire a minimum of six followers and get at least three comments in one week or your blog will be shut down because you are a loser and no one cares what you have to say so you should just shut up.

See?  I told you it was there.  I don’t know why you have to question me all the time.

So keep those comments coming people!  Unless you have something mean to say.  You need to keep those comments to yourself.  Not because I’m sensitive.  No no.  It’s for your own benefit.  If you say something mean, you give me the right to make fun of you on my blog, for thousands, er six people to read, or punch you in the throat.  Or both. Most likely both.  And I don’t want to do that to you.  Because I am nice and I care about you and deep down I think you are nice too, you just feel compelled to leave mean comments because either a.) you are jealous of me, but that’s okay, because pretty much everyone is jealous of me, it’s really not your fault that I am a way more awesomer person than you or b.) no one has ever said they care about you.  But guess what? I care about you.  So, that problem’s solved and also, by reading my blog you increase your awesome status every day, so maybe, just maybe, one day you will be as awesome as me.  But probably not.  Still, keep your mean comments to yourself.  Otherwise you are a jackhole and no one likes a jackhole.

Six followers!  Six!  And comments!  To all those reading and not following, become a follower.  And leave comments.  (If it sounds like I’m begging, it’s because I am.)  It’s super easy to follow a blog.  You just click on the little follow link and sign in with an email address and password and sign your name in blood, and promise to give up your first born, or something like that.  Honestly, I’m not sure because the process confused the crap outta me.  It took me three weeks to figure out how to follow my friend’s blog and eventually I ended up following it twice as two different identities.  True story.  But I am confident you are way more smarter than me and will figure it out.  And if I get one more follower it means I’ll have seven.  Seven!  And you will not believe what the blogger handbook says about having seven followers.  I can’t tell you right now, but trust me.  It. Is. AWESOME.

Upon going back and reading this, I’m beginning to think starting this blog was less about sharpening my writing skillz and more about my need for attention.  And I guess that’s okay, because ultimately it was about having other people read my stuff without me freaking out.  And until this blog started only 2.5 people knew I wanted to be a writer and my biggest fear was having people read my stuff, which is kinda a problem when you want to write books, get them published and have people read them.  Granted, what I write on here is neither the style nor similar in content to my book, but it is helping me overcome a huge obstacle.  I only have to take 3 Xanax now, instead of 5, after I post something.  (I deeply apologize that this is starting to sound like a session with my therapist.  If I had a therapist.  But I don’t.  So I guess, Internets, for now you are my therapist.  Congratulations.  It is a big, HUGE job, because I Have Issues.) 

So, while this blog has accomplished something positive, it has produced something negative.  As in negative book progress. Until a few months ago when I had a killer thirteen page writing streak, there’s been nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Major writer’s block.  And whenever this happens I go back and read what I’ve written and think it’s all crap and it should be burned and acid should be poured on my computer to erase any evidence that it ever existed.  But I know that even when it hurts to write and even when all I write is crap, I should continue writing.

All this to say, Internets, you are my accountability partner.  You know, like one of those people who helps you to not drink before nine a.m. because they call you and ask if you’ve been drinking before nine a.m. and you have to tell them the truth, because that’s how this whole accountability thing works, and eventually you stop drinking before nine a.m. because you don’t want to tell your accountability partner, yet again, that you’ve drinking.  So…at the end of each post I will tell you how many pages I’ve written that day.  I’m hoping eventually I’ll get tired of telling you: Number of Pages Written Today: 0 and eventually start writing something.  And when I do say I’ve written a page or even a paragraph, there better be all kinds of Kudos, compliments and Way to Gos in the comment section or I will punch you in the throat.  Or possibly cry in the corner.  Which would make you a sucky accountability partner and therapist. And that does not look good on your resume.  Trust me.

Okay, I think I’ve wasted enough of your time.  I'm off like a prom dress after the guy you went to prom with drops you off at home so you can do a quick wardrobe change before the guy you wanted to go to prom with comes to pick you up for the after party.


Mah Book Progress:

Current number of pages: 74
Number of pages written today: 0 

Okay, that was yesterday’s post.  Exciting wasn’t it?  Not the whole accountability partner and therapist thing.  I brought down the excitement level with that cuz I basically just dumped a boatload of responsibility in your lap.  So, good luck with that.

You have to admit the six followers and comments part was pretty exciting though.  I checked my blog yesterday during lunch and saw that Young boy Dan became a follower and I started hyperventilating, because…well you know why, we’ve already covered that.

Then today, I again checked my blog during lunch and O. M. G.  I have seven followers  SEVEN!!!  I was so excited, I started shaking like a puppy who is so happy to see you, and his tail's wagging so fast his whole body moves and he pees on the floor.  That totally happened to me, prompting weird looks from my co-workers, who told me to stop licking them and made me clean up my own pee.  Which totally sucked because puppies (almost never) have to clean up their pee.

But nothing could damper my spirit folks, because I HAVE SEVEN FOLLOWERS!  I called my husband on the way home and said, “I have seven followers!  Tabitha B. is following me!”  And he said, “she started following you yesterday.  I thought you knew that or I would have told you so I could see you get really happy.” Then I said, “Would you clean up my pee?”  And he said, “What?”  And then I said…oh who cares what I said because I HAVE SEVEN FOLLOWERS!!!!!

So, Internets, please join me in welcoming Tabitha B., mother-to-be.  (Seriously, I should be a poet.)  Welcome Tabitha.  We're so happy to have you.
 
Seven followers, folks.  You know what that means.  I can reveal what the blogging handbook says about seven followers.  But not just yet, because I want to revel in the moment. And because I like keeping you in suspense.  So check back soon.

Now I’m off.  Like a prom…oh yeah, one more thing, the handbook also says something about eight followers.  So if you’re reading this and not following, become a follower, would ya.  Seriously.  JUST. DO IT.

And now, I'm off like a prom dress on a girl at a cheap motel who broke up with her rich vapid jerk of a boyfriend three weeks before prom for the inspiring sensitive poor guy who can only afford this by-the-hour roach infested den of sin.

**********************************************************
Mah Book Progress:

Current number of pages: 74
Number of pages written today: 0, but the day's not over so keep your fingers crossed.

8 comments:

  1. I think Young Boy Dan should count as two followers. You get extra credit for being a puppet and knowing how to work a computer. Now go write your book so you can get rich and famous and support me and the peanut. Kthanks.

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  2. J and P I love you!! And Peanut too! Thanks for commenting. Clearly you can see that instead of writing mah book I am stalking my blog. What. A. Loser.

    Okay, seriously, off to write my book now. Maybe.

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  3. Heh heh... I have many talents. A typing puppet is one thing, but a jelly fingered typing puppet is another whole box of pandoras. Im glad to see I made you pee Kelley. That one of my favorite things to make people do. Heh heh

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  4. HA! And I would have been a follower sooner-it just took me this long to figure out how to become a follower...good to know your friends are not any smarter than you? This follower stuff is giving me flashbacks to 4th grade and the Kelley Crippen Fan Club. I guess blogging makes it official. And I assure you I am a PROUD member! Oh and wasn't it that you had to have double D's to be in the fan club? Thanks to this baybee, I finally meet that criteria :) Niiiiice.

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  5. Not sure if I count, but always listening to YoungBoyDan is getting to me.

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  6. And just to let you know...when I read the post you put up about changing your blog name, and then again when I saw it at the top of the page (which looks awesome by the way) I TOTALLY though it said Sarcasm Goodness. The double o vs the double d makes a BIG difference (double d...hehe...and that reminds me, big ups to Tab for meeting KCFC requirements).That extra N I through in there changed it a bit too. So, even though your are not "the Goodness" I'll keep reading, and posting, on your blog, but only because your profile pic is so kick-ass. Oh, and say hi to your new dog, Truck, for me.

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  7. It's good getting Young boy Dan out of your head every once and awhile. Just be careful that while he is out of your head, he is not trying to get in your pants. He's a sneaky lil' mol ester.

    Also, Ashers, love your profile pic. In the full version, is the girl ripping her heart of her chest?

    Lover you lots!
    Signed forever and faithfully yours,
    "the Goodness"

    P.S. Truck says hai.

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  8. Oh, you mean my Avatar?! The computerized cartoon version of myself?! Why, yes, she is ripping her heart out. And she's holding it Bleeding and beating in her hands... It's my little tribute to Fuel and Dumb and Dumber. There is also a flashing lightening bolt, a flying saucer, and a small dragondinoalien. My avatar was created to intimidate my fantasy football opponents. If I can do that to myself while chillin with a dragondinoalien AND getting struck by lightening, just think of what I could do to my enemies!

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.