Saturday, May 15, 2010


I have made this letter longer than usual, because I lack the time to make it short.
Blaise Pascal

By Kelley Williams

Dear Dove Chocolate,

You owe me a job and several hundred thousand dollars.

I recently ate two pieces of your Promises chocolate, and clearly you are confused. Or just a bold-faced liar. I’m inclined to believe the latter.

As defined by Merriam Webster’s online dictionary, a promise is:

1: a legally binding declaration that gives the person to whom it is made a right to expect or to claim the performance or forbearance of a specified act

2: reason to expect something

So you can imagine my joy when I unwrapped my first piece of chocolate and was gifted with the promise spoil yourself today. As if that wasn’t amazing enough, my second piece of chocolate promised drink champagne, wear a tiara, use the good china.

I didn’t know what I did to deserve such savory promises, and I was slightly confused as to how either one of those constituted a promise, but who am I to question you, Dove Chocolate? So relish your sweet promises I did.

I called my boss and told him “today I’m being spoiled. I’m not coming in to work. If you don’t like it, take it up with Dove Chocolate, they promised.” I hung up before he could respond.

Proper spoiling of oneself requires moola, and since I’m a little cash poor I made a trip to the bank to request a loan. The loan executive did not immediately hand over the 100 grand like I expected, in fact he was all, “we need you to fill out this form, and we have to run a credit check.” But doing all that didn’t sound like being spoiled to me, so I said, “don’t worry, Dove Chocolate promised to spoil myself today.” And then he said all reverently, “ooh a Dove promise. Well in that case, here’s 500 grand, cash.”

After making it rain on myself in the bank lobby (because I've always wanted to do that, and because I like rubbing my good fortune in other people's faces), I hit Chanel, then Coach, then Jimmy Choo, then any clothes store, shoe store, purse store, and accessory store I wanted.

I was giddy from my purchases and thanking the Dove Chocolate gods for granting me such a delicious promise when I heard Angels singing and champagne flavored raindrops began falling around me, causing me to remember your second promise, Dove.

Promise Two, Part One: Drink Champagne. My favorite champagne is Martini and Rossi and it costs approximately $11.00. But surely an $11.00 bottle of champagne was not what you had in mind, Dove, when you promised to spoil me. So I bought Cristal Champagne. Several bottles of vintage crystal, which is slightly more than $11.00 a bottle.

Promise Two, Part Two: Wear a tiara. Now I do own a tiara. It’s from my wedding day. But wearing a tiara I already own hardly constitutes as spoiling myself. And besides, I need one with diamonds. Lots of big diamonds. So I headed to the mecca of jewelry stores, Tiffany. But would you believe Tiffany did not have any platinum tiaras studded with copious amounts of diamonds no smaller than 3 carats? Not to worry. All I had to whisper was Dove Promise and the good folks at Tiffany went to work immediately, crafting me a headdress so opulent it brought tears to my eyes.

Promise Two, Part Three: Use the good china. My china is dishwasher and microwave safe, and I know, Dove, that is not what you meant by “good.” Off I went to see my dear friend Kate Spade from whom I purchased every plate, bowl, cup, platter, teapot, coffee pot and gravy boat of the uber fabulous dragonfly June Lane Collection.

My money was gone and I was spent. Spoiling oneself is hard work. I headed home to savor my luxuriant purchases.

I was sitting in my kitchen, wearing my tiara, sipping cristal from my Kate Spade China while admiring my Jimmy Choo shoes and Chanel dress when a Mac Truck called REALITY came barreling through the wall to tell me that my boss fired me for missing work and the bank wants their five hundred thousand dollars back. Now.

So, thanks a lot Dove. Your little “promises” left me jobless and in debt. Perhaps, instead of promise, you should call your little sayings a suggestion, or a tip, or an idea, or add a little footnote that says this is our way of saying stop and smell the roses; it is not meant to be taken literally.

But take it literally I did, because, Dove, you promised.

When you see my attorney on your door-step, please refer to Merriam Webster’s promise definition number one.

Yours truly,

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