Thursday, May 13, 2010

My New Profession: Tattoo Artist

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
Alfred Hitchcock

My New Profession: Tattoo Artist
By Kelley Williams

So after the Publix cashier mistook my clogged sweat gland masquerading as a white head for a piece of jewelry or some such, I decided- after consuming copious amounts of wine- that four, five, six…oh who’s counting…months with Whitey was enough.

My friend Luscious told me about this amazing thing called a needle that her dermatologist once gave her to rid one’s otherwise perfect nose of clogged sweat glands masquerading as white heads. Apparently you take said needle and make an X on clogged sweat gland, and then leave it alone. The next night, do the same thing, but in a different direction so that you’ve made an asterisk type thingy and then, leave it alone. The next morning, wake up, run to the mirror and viola, Whitey is gone. Commence appropriate mourning period for loss of friend then begin running-man, cabbage patch happy dance because he was really more of a frenemy.

Well I did not have a dermatologist prescribed needle, so I decided to use a sewing needle, after of course sterilizing the heck out of it. And by sterilizing, I mean burn with a lighter until the needle turns black. I race upstairs with my needle, which, given my track record with stairs (I am the only person I know who regularly falls up stairs), was a pretty awesome idea, and say one last hello and a triumphant farewell to Whitey in my magnifying mirror.

I then do what Luscious says and make an X on Whitey. And then I do not leave it alone. I make another X. And another one. And then, because the wine told me to, I decide to poke it. And poor Whitey gets punctured. And nothing comes out, so clearly not a white head (see honey, I can’t just pop it like you suggested), but since it’s supposed to be a clogged sweat gland, shouldn’t it secrete something upon being punctured, like, I don’t know, sweat, maybe? Which makes me pose the question: Luscious, are you sure it’s a clogged sweat gland?

Anywho, upon puncturing Whitey, the burned needle leaves a trace of black ash, which I try to rub off with my finger. But it’s actually under the skin, inside of Whitey, so it doesn’t come off. I of course do the only logical thing to remove black ash, and puncture Whitey again. Black ash doesn’t go away, but I think, wow I’m piercing my skin with a needle and it doesn’t hurt. Which I consider to be some sort of miracle, but now I’m thinking it might be the wine. So the side of my nose now sports Whitey and Black Ash. Which makes me think of when my friend Ashley was going to get her first car and her dad suggested she get a license plate that said Bad Assh. Ha. Haha. Hahahaha. More wine any one?

The moral of the story is, if you need to pierce something on your body, consume copious amounts of wine first. Although I cannot legally, or morally, or ethically or whatever, advocate this because you might pierce something, uh, sensitive, and I don’t want to be held responsible for permanently damaged body parts after a copious-amount-of-wine-drinking induced night of piercing.

But seriously, the real moral of the story? Don’t try to remove clogged sweat glands masquerading a white heads after consuming, four, five, six…oh who’s counting…glasses of wine unless you want a black ash tattoo.

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