Thursday, March 25, 2010

Which Office Personality Are You?

If you’re going to be a writer, the first essential is just to write. Do not wait for an idea. Start writing something and the ideas will come. You have to turn the faucet on before the water starts to flow.
Louis L’Amour

Which Office Personality Are You?
By Kelley Williams

A Dedication to the Fabulous Four

You are in a meeting with several clients discussing changes to a presentation. Besides the date, time and place, no other changes are needed. The clients tell you they want you to make a plethora of unnecessary, time-consuming, complex changes. You…

A.) Say, “Listen people. I don’t have time for this. If you want these changes made, you’re going to have to do it yourself.”
B.) Smile and nod while they talk and once the meeting is over you say, “I have no idea what they just said.”
C.) Hide a crazy baby in their purse and then gallop around the room on Dick the Horse.
D.) Provide a logical and reasonable explanation as to why their requests are ridiculous

If you chose answer A…Congratulations! You are office personality Agnes. You enjoy bringing your lunch to work, then ordering a cobb salad from Pointe West, loaded fries from Hurricane Wings or southwest eggrolls from Chili’s. Your hobbies include cleaning your shower in the nude, mummifying frogs in your car, and tripping people. Occasionally you prefer to answer the phone “Three, two, one” instead of “XYZ Company.” Your favorite question is, "are you serious?" And your superpowers include mind-reading, but only when it comes to knowing that an outstretched hand means "I want lotion."

If you chose answer B…Congratulations! You are office personality Bertha. You’ve gotten hit-on or asked out by every creep in your town. Unfortunately you often fall victim to the “Mail Do-Over Syndrome,” (just as you’ve finished an entire mailing, someone comes to you and says, “did you do”…or “did you add…” and of course the answer is no because no one told you to “do” or “add”, but nonetheless the entire mailing needs to be redone.) You put first time riders with you at ease by telling them you’ve only been in three accidents and hit just one biker. You have cellophane ever-ready in case an incessant chatterer needs to be put permanently to sleep. And recently, a few months ago, you saw a bull - not a cow, not a horse – but a bull, by the side of the road.

If you chose answer C…Congratulations! You are office personality Maud, recent escapee from the Tennessee State Insane Asylum. You never leave home without your closest friends: Crazy Baby and Dick the Horse. Because of a defect in your vocal cords you are unable to speak softly, which is kind of a problem when needing to ask questions like, “Is hypnotism a word?” You can often be heard saying, “Am I getting fired?” and “I think I’m getting fired.” Although not recommended, you're capable of driving from Tennessee to Florida, while watching youtube videos, checking your email, updating your facebook page, solving complex mathematical equations and accomplishing world peace, all without getting into an accident.

If you chose answer D…Congratulations! You are office personality Hilda. You seriously enjoy Mountain Dew, seriously. You also enjoy a nice screwdriver, or five, but shots are not your friend. Tomatoes and sausage are also the enemy. You’ve been known to throw an enchilada across the room if not reheated to your specifications, and during an intense volleyball game, you never let the ball hit the ground, even if it means diving into concrete. Your special talents include spelling hidden messages in a series of checks. And your favorite sayings include, "I need to speak to your manager," "idiots!," "motherf...", and "I am going to kill him."

1 comment:

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